("..seriously, Mike. Back the hell up. What *are* you talking about?")

2 weeks ago I found out my friend Casey had gotten engaged. She and her future husband would be married sometime in the first half of 2002. It just so happens that Casey is the exgrilfriend and ex-everything of Fred, my exact opposite and also my best friend.

As much as one person can love another, Fred loved Casey. As much of yourself as you can give to another, Fred gave Casey. And she broke his heart. Shattered it. Into lots of teeny pieces. He still hasn't found them all. We already knew Fred didn't take bad news well. He took it all on the chin and let it tear him up. When he and Case broke up, lets just say the laundry room next to our apt. was the one to suffer the most. (We denied all knowledge when Maintainence came asking.) So, no it hasn't been healthy, but ol' Fred's been bitter and repressed at Casey for about 2 years now. But he has started to move on. He lives in Italy now and we catch up every so often.

Then I find out that Casey is engaged. And I know that he had to be told. (Quick aside: When my ex-everything told me that she was engaged, I later found out that two of my best friends had known for months but didn't tell me b/c they were to chickenshit to break any kind of bad news to me) I didn't want Fred to go through the hurt and the anger I did, so I knew he had to be told.

So there I am at work this morning, writing SQL or some other stupid thing that only waters down my soul and my cell phone starts going apeshit. "Hmmm," I think, "everyone I know has my work number. Who's calling the cell?" Well I look at the # and guess what. That's right; Ita-fuckin-lee. Its Fred. So after small talk and deftly concealed terror that he knows and is just stringing me along before lambasting me for not telling him, I break the news. I think I stammered something about my ex and her engagement and he was saying something about how much that must suck for me (get ready to join my club, buddy!) and I told him.

Across 4000 miles and 7 timezones I could see his face so clearly, it was like i was there. Shock. Hurt. Anger. The pieces of his broken heart falling on the floor one more time. I crushed him. I didn't want to do it. I knew it had to be done, but I didn't want it to have to be me. But I did it. We talked for a while (Sprint PCS will be loving me this month!) and in the end he thanked me for telling him. Said he'd rather know than not know. And we promised to catch up again soon. Then we hung up.

I know I'm in the right. I know he had a right to know. I know his healing process is already beginning and next time we talk we'll both be all smile.

But half a world away, my best friend is hurting, and I can't do a god damn thing about it.

I fucking hate adulthood.