2001-04-30
10:48 p.m.

Sorry. You don't get to read everything I just wrote. I deleted it.

It was almost a good one too. It was all about Sarah. I'm in love with her, see. Have been for almost six years now. The bitch of it is, I've never told her. Not once. When I realized how deep my feelings for her went, we were already in full-on superclosefriend mode. I was too scared. I kept my mouth shut.

I mustered up the courage to tell her. Not all at once, just a little at a time. By the time I was man enough to just lay my feelings on the line, I had found out that she had a boyfriend - and yes, they were pretty serious.

So if the feelings wouldn't go away, then I could. I withdrew. Saw less of her, made myself less available. I am not a strong man - I admit. I don't like to be hurt.

She and He are still together. But now, he's in New York and She and I are in Baltimore. Sarah and I have been spending some time together.

Friday we were drunk together. Friday we had a talk. She wanted to know why I had withdrawn. A smartie, you see. She knew. She knew there was a reason too. I babbled something about different schedules and growing up and growing apart and the whole time she knew I was lying. She didn't call my bluff, but we both knew it. She didn't call my bluff. God bless her.

I loved her then, six years ago. I love her now. I think I always will. I deleted the previous entry because it sounded trite and shallow and transparent. Everything that she is not.

In my dreams, I tell her and she tells me she's waited for years to hear me say that. In the waking world, I'd tell her and in so doing, drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend and her and I.

I cannot do that. Love gets in the way.

And so my feelings stay locked away. Sheilded by lies and released evey so often in all too trite diary entries.


downtown----uptown
leave me a note, fool!


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