2001-12-25 12:20 a.m. I sat next to a county sheriff at midnight mass tonight. At first, it was a little odd. I mean, the man was wearing a gun. In church. Sitting right next to me. Then I started thinking that it must be pretty tough for him. Here he was, on arguably the holiest night of the year for a Christian, and he needed to be available to deal with the worst of humanity. And still the man found an hour to spend in the house of God. I wanted to say something to him. I wanted to thank him for all he'd ever done for me and all he ever will do. I wanted to shake his hand and say "Merry Christmas." I wanted to wish him a peaceful night. But I didn't. I couldn't. The words weren't there. I was not inspired. I am not inspired. I feel no spark in my life. No great driving force. Nothing. Nada. I've been looking; don't think I take this lying down. I look everywhere. I look in everyone. I think I find it in my work and then my work goes sour. I think I find it the homes I build for myself, and then they get turned on their side. I think I find it in others that I can Be With. And then the others talk to me about "different pages" or "commitment" or simply don't talk to me at all. I've been looking. I just haven't found it anywhere. But, sitting there in the quiet of my church, a thought struck me: I'm still looking. Or, to rephrase, I haven't stopped looking. I get frustrated, I get angry, I get depressed. I bitch, I moan, and when no one is looking, I cry. But still I look. It has never occurred to me that inspiration may not exist for me. Why? Because somehow I know that that is not possible. It's just not. My chance is out there somewhere. Not someone else's. Mine. The job is out there. The home is out there. She is out there. I may have to look for another day, I may have to look for another fifty years. But I will find whatever it is that I'm looking for. I will. I have to. It is simply outside the realm of possibility that I will fail. And suddenly I realized that those who see me for my potential have been right all along. All my family, all my friends. Sweet Ursula, who doesn't understand how touched I have been at her kindness. Wonderful Carrie, who makes me smile and makes me think and makes me glad I'm not an introvert. And Shannon Who Knows Who She Really Is; who unknowingly got me into all this in the first place, who still helps me find what is important to me, who I am glad to call a friend. You have all helped me to see the potential in myself and, when my own inspiration is in short supply, have leant me yours. Thank You. And finally I realize my Christmas mircale. Christmas only in the sense that I first noticed it on Christmas; this miracle happens every day. My miracle is that I don't give up. That I go on. I persevere. Life is hard. Some of the time, it's plain unbearable. But through my own inner reserves, or the grace of God, or the kind, quiet words of a friend, I find the strength, the will, and the heart to continue on my journey. I couldn't ask for a greater gift. The angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone round them. They were terrified, but the angel said 'Do not be afraid. Listen, I bring you news of great joy, a joy to be shared by the whole people. Today in the town of David a saviour has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.' And suddenly with the angel there was a great throng of the heavenly host, praising God and singing: 'Glory to God in the highest heaven, And peace to all people on Earth.' Luke 2:9-14 Happy Christmas, Everyone. downtown----uptown leave me a note, fool!

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