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2002-09-23 4:34 p.m. To:White Trash Community of South Baltimore From:Mike RE:Rules of Conduct It has come to my attention that there may be some level of misunderstanding as to what constitues acceptable and unacceptable behavior within the confines of our mostly-beautiful community. In an effort to put to rest these misunderstandings and to further educate the community as a whole, below you will find examples of overtly unacceptable behavior. To wit, it is unacceptable to: 1. Deposit trash in any location other than an approved waste recepticle. 2. Use the words 'shit', 'fuck', 'motherfucker', 'fuckstick', 'douchebag', 'asshole', 'bitch', 'bitch-ass', 'bitch-ass motherfucker', 'fucking bitch-ass motherfucking whore', or 'cunt' within a one (1) block radius of any children under the age of 18. 3. Use the words 'shit', 'fuck', 'motherfucker', 'fuckstick', 'douchebag', 'asshole', 'bitch', 'bitch-ass', 'bitch-ass motherfucker', 'fucking bitch-ass motherfucking whore', or 'cunt' after 10pm if said words can be heard clearly from more than a half block away. 4. Sit on the stoop of a stranger. 5. Urinate on the stoop of a stranger. 6. Urinate in an alley. 7. Fornicate in an alley. 8. Move contents of living room onto sidewalk to replicate living room scenario outdoors on nice day. 9. Send 5 year old child into corner bar for daily fix of Johnny Walker Red. Furthermore, certain actions must be discontinued immediately. For example, the Ice Cream Truck will now no longer run past 10pm, will limit its menu to ice cream only (no more heroin) and will discontinue the 'Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my Head' tune. Harley-Davidson motorcycles will be allowed, however they must meet strict noise-emission guidelines. Speeding down the street while screaming "Yee-Hah!" will no longer be permitted. Likewise, the practice of drunkenly snapping a stranger's radio antenna will be discontinued. Thank you for your adherence to these guidelines. Unfortunately, at this time they are not open to negotiation or discussion. All violtaions of this new policy will be punishable by instant and painful Death. Most likely in the form of instant smiting from the firey heavens. I'm just sayin'. In other news, I need a haircut. Bad. I've gotten cool in the last few years and now do that front-of-hair flippy thing with what little bangs I have. Make's me look like Chris Farley trying to look like Blink-182, but hey - at least I don't have the wicked part in the middle going on. But the thing is, when my hair gets to long, it goes from being a little flip up in the front to this massive wall of gelled dirty blond hair that stretches for miles in front of me. It would be so hard to sneak up on someone like this, because my stupid hair ould be seen while I'd still be well below the horizon. Anyway, it needs to get cut. But until that happens, see what it looks like, MSPaint style. As you can see, I'm a master at crappy MSPaint art. If you want to, let me know and I'll make some art for ya'. It'll be like the kings of old commissioning great artists for priceless portraits. Except that you probably arent't fabulously wealthy and I, well, suck. All the same, send your requests in!  leave me a note, fool! | |
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