2002-10-17 4:15 p.m. Well, I lost my motivation for the top 5 lists. That being said, RoRo sent in some good questions that deserve to be answered, so instead of a top 5 list, I'm going to make a FAQ of sorts. But, to keep things interesting, you're gonna need to guess which are actual CharmCity-related questions and which ones I lifted right off the Neil Diamond website. You know that question you have in your head right now? The one that involve me going to Neil's webiste? Yeah, maybe it's better if you don't ask it. Why do you write your diary? To tell you the truth, I don't really know. I think I started because I was bored at work and it sounded like a fun way to fill the time. You'll notice that many of my entries are written during the work day and feature a surly me bitching about my job, my coworkers, traffic, or anything else that's under my skin. In that regard, maybe this diary is somewhat of a release for me. I think, in real life, CharmCity and Mike are about 75 to 80% the same person. That 20 or 25 percent? Oh, I don't know, perhaps it comes from times when I tell someone to "fuck the hell off". That's not really something I'd do in real life. Although Mike has been known to throw the occaisional snit. Especially when department store clerks are involved. Why should I read your diary? I really really don't mean this answer to sound as jackassy as it's going to sound. The real answer is: I honestly don't care if people read my diary or not. I don't think I should want to or have to "sell" it to anyone. If you wanna read it, cool - glad to have ya. If not, d*land is so big now, I'm sure you'll find something that meets your taste. That's not to say I don't get a kick that (as of right now) 60 people have me listed as a fave. That, my friends is pretty damn cool. The fact that people email me or sign the guestbook to agree or disagree with what I've said or to tell me that they like the way I write - whether you know it or not, that just makes my day. Do I like my readers and do I like the attention? Sure; who doesn't? Do I need you guys to feel fulfilled? Not in the least. Where do you buy your sequin shirts? Neil sez: My stage shirts (glass beads and all) are designed by Bill Whitten in Los Angeles and are all hand-made in LA. Mike sez: Uhhh, I don't actually own any sequin shirts. Honestly, I kinda wish I did. What a great way to get fired that would be. "Hey man, I'm following the dress code. It's button-up and has a collar and everything." And then I'd run around the floor screaming that my sequins refused to be oppressed. What you would do with $50,000? Well, after taxes, I'd have what; a little over 25 grand? Well, college loans would take up aboout half of that. After that, I'd probably pay off the balance on Wanda the Honda and put a nice big downpayment on a truck. You heard me, a truck. Something with a stick shift and 4wd and four doors and maybe a roofrack. How many of you didn't know I was a redneck at heart? Seriously, show of hands. Thought so. When you are touring, do you prefer to travel by bus or plane? Neil sez: For long trips, I prefer a plane because I cannot sit still for hours on a bus. But we'll use any method, including skateboard, to get to our shows. Mike sez: Well, contrary to my fan club's fervent hopes, I don't actually tour. But when I travel, it's flying all the way. I took a bus trip once. The guy next to me smelled like cheese and thought he knew me from Korea. I don't like buses. Do you have any plans to perform with any of today's young talent? Neil sez: There's a lot of energy and fine talent out there, and who knows what musical collaborations the future might bring. Mike sez: As I'm pretty sure "today's young talent" is a phrase that would get me on an FBI list somewhere - I decline to answer. Why should I stay in my dead-end, low-paying, low-satisfaction job? I can't tell you the number of mornings I lay in bed asking myself the same question. The scary thing is I haven't found an answer yet. I think I'm scared of change mostly. That and the fact, that despite my complaints, I actually am paid pretty well for doing what I do. (translation: as little as possible) I new job would let me buy a new car and save toward buying a house, but the current job lets me do, well, exactly this. And take random and uncounted personal days. Why it is so impossible for me to find a dateable guy over 6' tall? Well I could tiptoe around the reason, but just this once, I'll just come clean. Guys are jerks. All of us. None of us are dateable. Oh wait, except me of course. I am the end all be all of the boy you'd wanna bring home to your parents. Seriously. No, seriously. HEY! Stop laughing. Stopppp! So, that's about it for the questions. Just because I know you care, I had a hell of a good time doing this. If anyone has any more questions: about me, need advice, whatever; let me know. ...And now, on a much more disturbing note. As I was looking for laughable celebrities to pilfer FAQs from, I came across her site. God help me, right now my proxy log shows the folks in IT that I visited Mariah Carey's website. Even more disturbing was the crackwhore's 'Mariahisms' which I now reproduce in full so that you can share in the nightmare's I'll have tonight. May God have mercy on your soul... YOU LOVE ME: All-purpose, anytime phrase. A greeting, a goodbye, or just something to throw into a pause in the coversation or to interject loudly while someone is speaking. COMPLETE AND TOTAL MESS: A classic phrase at this point - referring to anything getting on one's nerves or just said as a casual throwaway when the explanation is too long. COMPLETE NONSENSE: Said in the same accent as 'Complete joke' or 'Complete mess' with emphasis on the consonants and a slight whistle effect on the end 'se'. YEAH, AND HEY...: Said together as a verbal pause in the following ways: Sometimes while resigning due to the realization that you can't change something or someone - i.e. whatever - not said angrily, though. A random transition (said slowly) - i.e. 'yeah...and hey---'. Here 'yeah' is a tone or two higher than 'hey'. It is necessary to pause between the 'yeah' and the 'and'. When a hush falls upon a crowd of two or more people, it is also appropriate to say. We all know why! LAMB: A term of endearment - e.g. 'You're my lamb' or 'Hey, lamb!' - when addressing a loved one or close friend. My use of this term originated from a story told to me by the "Grammy nominated Trey Lorenz" dating back a few years which would not be politically correct to repeat! CHOPS: A derivative of 'lamb' - e.g. 'Hi Chops!'- the male variation on the same theme. This does not mean you can not call a girl 'chops', or a boy 'lamb', they're unisex. LAMBY: Same as above but used when one is a little more familiar with you. HEY, MIGHT AS WELL...IF YOU GOT A LITTLE EXTRA: Said in the same accent as "yeah...and hey" with a tad more zest - e.g. A waiter approaches with the question, 'Would you care for something to drink?' Your response could be, "Hey - if they got a little extra in the back and ain't nobody else drinkin' it... might as well...fill me up a glass" - or something of that nature. OH DEAR: Used when at a loss for words. It's basically a safe haven - you may choose to add a quick vibrato on the end of 'dear' depending on how deep the situation is. IF THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU HAPPY: Basically said in a sarcastic manner - i.e. who am I? It's all about you! e.g. When someone is clearly only interested in their own point of view. For instance, "Please, try the halibut, I insist." You could respond with, "Hey...might as well - if that's gonna make you happy." (even if you hate halibut!) And then proceed to order something else! So, yeah. Am I the only one that feels like they just lost a few points on the ol' IQ scale? Didn't think so. Also, can we please get her her own reality TV show? Who wouldn't watch that? Let's get this done people. downtown----uptown leave me a note, fool!

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