You know what, dude? Don't playa hate. I'm really not sure if your issue is a.) the dog, b.) your wife's lack of consideration, or c.) both. Your wife obviously loves the dog, shouldn't that make you happy? Okaaaay, maybe she could have consulted you but she didn't. You have to deal with that. Don't take your frustrations out on Rover. Dogs are naturally loud and attention-starved, but not inherently evil. That is the cat's job.

Dear Popular Mechanics Auto Clinic:

I have a 1992 F-150 pickup with a 5.0-liter V8 engine. I had the obsolete R-12 refrigerant in the a/c system replaced with R-134a. Prior to replacing the R-12, the a/c system worked fine. Now, it doesn�t seem to get as cold as it used to. Do you have any suggestions about what can do to rectify the situation? - Bobby R.

Whoa whoa whoa with the lingo there, Bobby. What's your question about again? Something to do with the a/c? I know two things about car air conditioning. One: It sucks down gas like my roommate sucks down Irish Car Bombs. And Two: my sister hates it. Never uses it, in fact. One time we were road tripping to North Carolina and I almost passed out from the heat. Stupid Sister....
Aaaaanyway... you should probably ask a mechanic. I have no idea.

Dear Seventeen Magazine:

I need help! I have a boyfriend, but I like someone else at the same time. I've liked this guy for awhile, but I also like my boyfriend. I don't know what to do because I work with this new guy, so I can't ignore him. I have considered dumping my boyfriend, but I don't know if the new guy likes me. We flirt but I'm still not sure. I could just dump my boyfriend, but he is giving me my present for my birthday soon. I can't dump him before because that would be rude -- but if I dump him right after, that would also be rude. Help me! I am so confused.

Ohh nooo... what's a fifteen year old heartbreaker to do? I think the key part of this question is "he is giving me my present for my birthday soon. I can't dump him before because that would be rude." Of course by 'would be rude' what she really means is 'significantly decreases my chance at getting a sweet-ass birthday present.' Damn gold-diggers in training.

Dear Makeup Diva:(seriously folks, I swear I'm not making this stuff up.)
Is there a logical way to apply makeup? What should I apply first and last?
--and--
I am a college student on a limited budget. Are inexpensive eye creams just as good as those in the department stores? Can you recommend one that is not too pricey, yet does the job just as well as a department store eye cream?

First things first. To start, you should completely sand and wipe down any surface you want to apply color to. Second, brush on several coats of primer. The primer will probably be a light grey in color, but don't worry. The grey will disappear beneath the bright latex or water based main paint. Ohh... did you say makeup? I thought we were painting a house here. Come to think of it, my step-by-step would work for some people I know. What was the second questions? Oh yeah...eye-cream??? Excuse me, eye-cream?? What the fuck is eye-cream? One thing I never really want to associate any type of cream with is my eye. Ok? 'Nuff said.

Dear Ice Skating for Mom's:

I'm having some difficulty with my 11 year old son's classmates and acquaintances accepting his desire to pursue figure skating vs the more accepted hockey for a boy, any advice? Kathy

Kathy - I can't help but be reminded of the 1992 movie 'The Cutting Edge' starring D.B. Sweeny and Moira Kelly. In it, D.B.'s character gives up hockey for a career in figure skating. He's quite successful. Maybe that'll work for your kid. Of course, the movie pretty much killed D.B.'s career, so you may wanna watch out for that too. I'm just sayin'.

Dear Star Trek:

How strong are Klingons? They are supposed to be great warriors, raised to kill, but individuals are routinely taken down by humans. -Curious

Dear Curious - Please please please do me a favor. Try to get out more. Just a little. I deny no one their passion. If yours is Star Trek, so be it. But it's not real. Your Klingons are nothing more than shleps with a S.A.G. card trying to pay the rent. Let it go. I bet it's sunny where ever you are. Unplug from the tube and find out.

And finally, because you know she's gotta be in on the action too...
Dear Jenny Jones:

I have a severe problem. I am a teenage girl, (about the age of 18) trapped in the body of a 52-year-old man. I have very hard troubles relating to people my own age. I often want to associate with the younger crowd. I am also attracted to young teenage boys and girls too. My family thinks this is just a phase I am going through in my mid-life crisis stage of life. They do not see that this is something I have dealt with all my life ever since I was playing with my sister's baby dolls 52 years ago.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.... J. Edgar Hoover. Oh dear, oh dear. This one has me so flabbergasted that I'm almost speechless. A few points to touch on though: Duuuude...I don't care what you do, just keep your "teenage interests" above eighteen. Please. I played with my sister's dolls too, I'll have you know, but my games usually involved firecrackers and remote controlled cars. And seriously Uncle Dave, when you come over for the 4th of July this year could you at least stick around to help clean up? Thanks.

...and really finally.
Dear Jenny Jones:

I've got a BIG problem. My penis is way too large. My woman is intimidated by my excessive manhood. She doesn't want to have sex because she's afraid it will hurt too much.

Heeeeeyyy....... who let my letter in here?