2001-06-21 10:43 p.m. The good news is I don't have the worst haircut in America. The worst haircut in America is owned by one Helmut K. Wasserstein of Walla Walla Washngton. Helmut, it seems, received his coif at the hands of a heavilty caffinated, myopic sushi chef. Total strangers have broken down to tears at the sight of his head. I was slightly more lucky. Slightly. My hair was cut by a Hair Cuttery trainee. Kudos to those of you whose minds wandered to the "adding insult to injury" train of thought. Her name was Bridget, and she was dumb. You see, bridget didn't understand the terms 'half-way' and 'straight line'. She had to have them explained to her. Twice. I thought you had to go to school to be certified to cut someone's hair. I thought you needed a certifcate. Now, I know you may be thinking, "Mike, you didn't have to get your hair cut by a trainee. You could've deferred." But you would be wrong. Smartass. See, they tricked me. Bridget took my info (and by 'info' i mean my name and that, no i didn't want to just read the Madmoiselle, but really did want my hair cut) and then she disappeared. She came back though. Came back right when I was slipping into the post-work near comatose state. You know, the state of mind I'm usually in when I'm driving home on I-70. So Brdget attacked my head. With all the fury of a fifteen year old attacking Hot Topic with daddy's credit card. I was good though. I didn't complain. I never do. Not to waiters before they've brought my food and not to people with sharp instruments around my head. I wanted to complain though. But if I did, instead of a bad haircut, I'd have gotten a bad headcut and that just wouldn't be good for anyone. On the other hand, maybe I helped Bridget out in the grand scheme of things. Maybe her hair-cutting experiments on my head will help her gain the confidence to continue with hairstyling. Go on to start a career, save some money, start a family, and contribute that much more to the American Dream. Or maybe she just fucked up my hair. downtown----uptown leave me a note, fool!

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