2001-06-25 2:38 p.m. I remember being in love. I remember what that felt like. There really isn't enough time or enough vocabulary to fully describe the feeling. If you've been there, you know and if you 'think' you know, then you were never there. I remember the kisses, of course. I remember the passion, the nakedness, obviously. I remember the holding of the hands, the notes I'd leave for her and the ones she'd hide for me. I remember crying once. For no good reason other than we had spent a week together and that she had to leave. I remember explaining it away to my buddies as shampoo in my eyes. I remember the simple, maddening fact that I couldn't get her out of my head. I remember realizing that shopping alone was still shopping for two becuase every store had at least one thing that she would love. I remember doing things with her friends and family members that I didn't necesarily want to do but did anyway beacuse it was important to her. I remember talking and listening for hours at a time. I remember learning that thinking of your significant other "first thing in the morning and last thing at night" wasn't just a saying. I remember late night phone conversations that ran the spectrum from innocent to naughty and back again. I remember the fights. I remember not knowing and learning that that is my least favorite way to feel. I remember not being able to tell her things and the damage that did to my soul. I remember feeling weak. I remember then end. I remember how, for a time, each mention of what we'd be doing in the months ahead was met with a frown by her. I remember that conversation, the last really deep one I had with her. I remember the damn bursting, my feelings flowing forth uninhibited. On and on I went. It felt like I had been talking for years, it was probably less than five minutes. I love you. I remember her response. I wish I could say the same, I really do. But I can't. And I won't insult you by lying. I remember the lonliness. The hopelessness. The eventual healing. I remember being equal parts glad, upset and scared when I realized her absence didn't hurt as much anymore. Glad to be moving on. Upset that she was that much more removed from me. Scared because I didn't know what was going to happen next. (And not knowing...is the worst way I can feel.) And now, I'm single but not lonely. Open to new relationships, but not overcome with the desire for them. But some days, I wake up and think how wonderful it would be to have someone lying beside me. Someone I could kiss on the nape of the neck and fall back asleep with. Dreaming of holding her hand and talking with her long into the night. Here's what's interesting about this entry: I began with only the first sentence and the last paragraph in mind. I meant it to be an entry about general being-inloveness. I never really intended to write about one person in specific. Most of the time I begin with a partial idea and just start pecking at keys and slowly a completely fleshed out idea forms. So, apparently, the idea my subconscience had in mind this time was a specific exgirlfriend. Wierd.... aaaaannyway, I just added this little postscript as a little window into me. Close the shades when you're finished. downtown----uptown leave me a note, fool!

designed by mocksie. brought to you by diaryland.